Zed Says

Zed Says

I’m enjoying my favorite hobby–dancing on the computer keyboard while the human who runs this site has gone to refill her coffee cup.

Ha! This gives me a chance to use this internet thing to pass my considerable wisdom on to those of you who don’t have the privilege of living with me.

Advice for humans

Always remember who is in charge. The cat.

Advice for hounds

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Feline wisdom (not for human eyes)

  • Humans are not the brightest of creatures, but they can be trained. If they don’t get it the first time, simply repeat.
    • Example: Opening a door. Stand by the door and mew loudly. If this does not get your human’s attention, scratch on the door frame until your human comes. Mew loudly and continue scratching until door is opened. Saunter outside. Remember to move slowly and elegantly. You are the King (or Queen) of your domain. Take your time. When the door closes behind you, wait to a count of 100. This will give your human time to return to its trivial human task. Turn and begin loud mewing at the door. Add door frame scratching as necessary until let inside house. Repeat.
    • Variation: When door is opened, hold still, alternately stare outside then look up at human. Eventually the human will close the door. At this point, start mewing and scratching again until door is opened. Repeat.
  • Teaching your human that cat’s needs come first!
    • Just before dawn, jump on human’s face and start kneading. Human should either provide stroking or get out of bed to feed you. Either of these responses is acceptable. Continue behavior until human responds as you prefer.
    • If human asserts physical dominance by throwing you out of bedroom and closing the door , do not forget mewing and scratching technique discussed above.
  • Keep humans on their toes by sneaking up behind them. Maintain silence until human turns and trips over you. Express indignation with loud yowl and walk  away with a majestic tail swish.
    • Note: Do not attempt this technique at top of staircase. Falling down stairs can result in damage to your human, which may have serious consequences such as inefficient feeding and reduction in pampering.

  • Choose the highest perch available. This will allow you to survey your domain. Or take a cat nap. Ruling the universe can be exhausting.


  1. OMG, Zed…this all sounds so *eerily* familiar….

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